But a tiny voice whispers in my mind, “You are lost, hope is gone, but you must go on and do the next right thing.”
One foot in front of the other. Right then left. So simple, right? That’s a quote from Frozen 2. The scene where Olaf and Elsa are gone and Ana feels hopeless. That’s what functional depression feels like, in my opinion. All you can do is remember to put one foot in front of the other. Breathe in and out. But, also just remember to breathe. As a new second time mom, it’s easy for me to be overwhelmed. And of course I’m surrounded by wonderful, smart, efficient mothers that I love and look up to. And of course, by no fault of their own, this can make me feel less than. But I’m not less than. I just am. I just am doing the best I can. I just am moving forward as quickly as I can. I just am raising and loving my kids the best way that I know how.
And, man, I think it’s ok to just be. The world needs the medium people too. Where would we be without the Oreo cream? That’s in the middle. No one is complaining about that. What about, a REESE’S?! The good stuff is in the middle! I think you get my point.
But most importantly, I just am working to be a mom who loves so hard but must also teach boundaries, who forgives the bad days but expects kindness always, who says I love you after you get in trouble. I just am, a mom, who wants to teach her kids truly what unconditional love is.
Maybe my kid is in front of the screen a lot. Maybe my daughter sounds like she belongs in a heavy metal band when she screams. But there’s nothing I would change. They’re so perfect. And I want to spend all the time with them.
And that’s a wonderful feeling, you know. To have that thought. But then your brain swerves and says:
“But then, if I spend all the time with them, when will I clean? When they nap? What if they don’t nap at the same time? I’ll wait until their dad gets home. But he’ll be tired too. But I need to ask for help. I’m supposed to, right? So then I ask for help with my perfect, beautiful babies. But now I’m cleaning when I should be spending valuable time with my husband.”
And that’s the mind fuck that occurs when you want to give everything.
But here’s the reality: you can’t give everyone else the best of you. You have to reserve that for yourself because if you’re not functioning well then the domino effect will occur without fail.
And that’s where I am. And I’m scared to say it out loud. How do you sort out a never ending list? How do you love when you’re feeling down? How do you keep putting one foot in front of the other?
I don’t know, actually.
But what I do know is: It can get better. But you have to work so hard to get there. And you have to trust the process. And that’s tough in it’s own way. But, if you read this far: then, welcome- to recommitting to ourselves after motherhood.